THE PLANE FACTS
(Hali Hammer)

I was flying Southwest & the plane was delayed, everybody was a little sore
We were getting ready to sail away, time to make it through that safety speech once more
I was only listening with half an ear to the words the flight attendant would say
Cause I always figured if the plane was really crashing they’d repeat it for you anyway

I was working on some music that I wanted to do, so I tuned out all but what I read
But from the corner of my mind came creeping through the words Flight Attendant Kelly said
I’ve changed them just a little cause they weren’t in rhyme, but what I’m telling you is true
Cause the speech that she recited got the passengers delighted & I just had to share it with you!

“Put your excess baggage in the overhead along with any screaming children you find
Make sure before takeoff that your seat is upright in the most uncomfortable position you can find
In case of an emergency, once you stop screaming, place the margarine cup over your face
And if your seat-mate is a child or someone acting like a child, after yours is on please put theirs in place

You can turn on your light if you’re afraid of the dark, or of the person sitting next to you
This is a non-smoking flight, so if that gets you uptight, well, here’s the thing that you can do
You can use our outdoor patio, you see it out the window on the wing just over there - that way
And if you really need to light up, Gone With the Wind is the featured film of the day.”

Well at first we were all stunned, cause we weren’t used to fun from what usually was a boring thing
And at the close of her induction, as she ended her instruction, the applause - it made the cabin ring
Everyone was so relaxed after hearing all the facts in a manner so unique
And as the flight came to a close, we all hung on to those final words the flight attendant would speak

“When we land, remove your baggage from the overhead, also all the screaming children up there
Please return your seat to that upright position, the one that’s most uncomfortable for that chair
And now that we are landing, please note your flight attendants are doing what they can to please
So at this time they will be stumbling through the cabin to collect all of your debris.”

Some might think I’ve overstated, grossly exaggerated, or plain made up what I had to say
But I swear what I’ve related are the facts as they were stated as the flight was navigated that day!